Happy Birthday, Natalie


Today we celebrate my ex-girlfriend Natalie Portman’s 30th birthday. Congratulations, Natalie.

Even though our break-up could have been less messy, I’m glad each of us found their way to happiness with their respective others. In the end, we are both in a better place then when we were together, especially after our relationship took a dive and got a bit conflictive. I’m also happy we were able to make our peace and can now be great friends.

Anyways, dear readers, please join us in celebrating Natalie’s big three-o. There are many ways in which you can be a part of this special day.

Here are some ideas:

1. You can dress up as Madonna and sing “Like a Virgin”, like Natalie did in “Leon: The Professional.”

2. You can shave your head bald, like she did in “V for Vendetta.”

3. You can have sex with Darth Vader and then give birth to the Last Jedi, like she did in the Star Wars Saga.

4. You can have a lesbian encounter with Mila Kunis, dress up like a funky chicken and win an Oscar for acting like a crazy dancer, like she did in “The Black Swan.”

Or my personal favorite:

5. You can dress up like an elephant and kick it old-school with Elmo, like she did in Sesame Street. Whatever your choice, don’t miss out on the opportunity to celebrate Natalie today.